Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
