Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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