I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
