I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
