Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
