Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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