I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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