Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
