the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm like, not good at living.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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