the condom got lost in my hair
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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