I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
