Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
