FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
