oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
