the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
