I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
