Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuck appropriateness.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
