She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
