12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
