I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
