She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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