Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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