we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
And then he peed in my hair
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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