I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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