Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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