Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
