I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Text me some of your sweat
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
