my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
