I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
