There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
No subtext here. People are naked.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize