wakey wakey hands off snakey
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
