It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
