Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
