i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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