She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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