Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
