Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
