He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
