You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
