my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We just shotgunned beers for America
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
