i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I want her autograph on my taint
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
