I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
