Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
