I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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