i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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