goodnight i made you a song goodbye
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
