I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Text me some of your sweat
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
