So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Randomize
