It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
