I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
