I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
