My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
