just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
