I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
