1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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