Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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